A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said 'Your finger is broken.'
***
Two
hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk
about their
moonshine
operation.
Suddenly,
a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or
so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin
ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The
woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The
hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks
down her drawers
and quickly gives
her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies
out of her mouth.
As
she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I
ain't niver seed
nobody do it!'
***
An older gentleman had
an appointment to see the urologist
who shared
offices with several other
doctors. The waiting
room was filled with
patients. As he
approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed
that the receptionist was a large unfriendly
woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler..
He gave her his
name.
In a very loud voice,
the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU
WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?"
All the
patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed
man... He
recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, 'NO, I'VE
COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS.'
The room erupted in
applause!
***
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you tosleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
***
At the doctor's office a woman complained that she had been experiencing constant flatus. “Fortunately,” she added, “they don't stink.” The physician did his physical exam, then instructed the woman “take two of these pills tonight and call me in the morning.” The woman did as he instructed. In the morning, she discovered that her flatus continued, but now the odor was horrendous. She called him back. “Well,” the doctor replied, “now that I've cured your sinus problem, I'll see what I can do about your flatus.”
***
The doctor called Mrs. Cooney over and gave her the news. "I'm afraid your husband has a very serious illness. In fact, it might be fatal. There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you'll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you'll have to make love to him every day without fail." "I'll break the news to him myself," she said. Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Cooney announced, "Guess what, Cooney. You're gonna die!!"
***
A doctor and a nurse just got married. As they were lying in bed one night, the doctor said to the nurse, "Honey, to avoid any problems, let's try the following system. When we go to bed at night, if you would like to have sex, pull at my penis one time.... ....and if you don't want to have sex, pull at my penis 100 times!!"
***
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..." Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
***
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet. "The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
***
column 2
Two old men were sitting on the porch of their nursing home. One looks to the other and asks, "Do you think they have baseball in heaven?"
"They probably do," responds the second old man.
A few days later one of the old men died and went to heaven. Several days later, the other old man was sitting on the porch of the nursing home when his dead friend suddenly appeared.
"I have good news for you and bad news for you." the dead man said to his friend. "The good news is that they have baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you're pitching tomorrow night!!!"
***
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.” “This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
***
DEAF
WIFE......
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the
family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from her, and say something in a normal conversational speaking
tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens.."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no
response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he
gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he
walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
